Forgiveness
Lately, I’ve been seeing a common thread at work, with clients, and in my personal life. I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter… but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter… but I think it’s about… forgiveness…
(Thanks, for the earworm, Don Henley – you’re right. It’s totally about forgiveness.) SELF forgiveness.
Most people I know can be great friends. They easily share love and support with those they care about.
Think about it – If someone you love called you right now, and confessed something they regret, wouldn’t you try to comfort them? Wouldn’t you tell them that they are a wonderful person in spite of these actions, and that there is always a way to find forgiveness and move forward? You’d want them to feel love in their time of need. You’d speak kind words of comfort. You’d point out all they have going for them and all their good attributes.
If you’re a REALLY good friend, you’d also speak with frankness. If this person did something that hurt others, or that was pretty terrible, you’d admit it, make sure they are facing facts and prepared for the consequences. You’d offer support and love, but wouldn’t necessarily condone their actions. Honestly, it wouldn’t be that hard. You even do this easily with your pets and/or children. If they’ve done something wrong, you help them learn from their mistakes while still loving them. You do your best to make sure they know they are loved unconditionally.
So….. why can’t you do this for yourself?? (I’m addressing a figurative “you.” Which also includes me.)
I think my earlier post about speaking kindly to yourself touches on part of the issue. We tend to be forgiving of others and hard on ourselves. We see every piece of light and darkness within us, but we only see what others allow us to see in them. That leads us back to comparison thinking, assuming we are not as good as “them”, and there we go again… heading down that rabbit hole.
If this is a pattern you find yourself living over and over and over, go back and read my last post again!
The key to self forgiveness is self love. When I work with clients who are having a hard time forgiving themselves for past transgressions, I like to ask them why this issue is so hard to forgive. They tend to list allllll the reasons they believe they aren’t worthy. Then I ask them to imagine switching places with someone they love deeply. Imagine the other person is in your place, and did what you did. Could you forgive them? What would you tell them? It’s incredible how many people can easily see the situation with compassion, love, and even forgiveness when we take ourselves out of the picture. The words begin to flow, and they see how easy it can be to forgive.
So if the key is self love, how do we boost it? How can we learn to see ourselves as someone we love? There’s a lot of talk about affirmations to enhance self-esteem. Affirmations can be a wonderful tool IF you believe them. Realistically, if you’ve done something you regret, and then you look in the mirror and say something Stuart Smalley-esque, you will feel worse. You might be good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit, people might even like you, but a stock affirmation might not be your thing. Remember that your soul only knows what is true. Your ego can try to convince it otherwise, but if there is a disconnect between the two, you won’t express your best self.
Instead of looking in the mirror and inflating your ego, look deeper and explore your soul. What is it that you really like about yourself? What is it that you really dislike? Has that piece you dislike caused problems in your life? Maybe it’s time to make a change. Take an inventory and improve your self awareness. Where could you use more compassion? What are some behaviors you’d like to change? Where do you excel, and what strengths can you draw upon?
Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Remind yourself that you ARE love. See your current situation as an opportunity for soul growth. A chance to learn. Freedom to take a new path and expand your journey. Tell yourself you can get through even the worst of times. It might not all be kittens and rainbows, but the reward of a deeper awareness and love of self can be worth it.